We went to the Children’s museum. It’s a great place for kids. Lots of sensory activities and safe spaces for them to explore.  Now, if you know me, you know that an indoor space with lots of people is not really my thing (especially at the start of respiratory season!)…but my son had been asking to go, so we went.

We were in the bubble exhibit when my son wanted to try the bubble wall. The bubble wall is a little platform where you can pull a rope and a big metal square comes up around you, creating a bubble on each side, almost like a little closet, with a big bubble for each wall. No one was using it so he ran over and was about to take his turn, when a man and his two kids cut right in front of us. My son waited patiently while this grownup and his little ones took their turn. It was probably 5 minutes but in kid time, it felt like forever. Imagine waiting 5 minutes at a red light! The man let each of his kids pull the rope and lift the bubbles over and over again. He kept turning to my son and saying “it will be your turn soon buddy.”

My son waited. He was patient. He stayed calm. I was really proud of him.

Finally, the man turned to my son and said “ok it’s your turn now.” I could see my son’s face light up. He had done so well! He had waited and it was finally his turn! Just before he stepped up into the bubble wall, the man who had just said he was done, turned back to his daughter and asked her if she wanted to try it again!

That was when my son lost it. I watched as his excitement and patience burst into a fury of tears. He started crying, hitting himself in the face, and melting down completely. This is the kind of behavior we have been working so hard to address at home, and this stranger had just created the type of situation we have been trying hard to avoid. We are all about clear expectations, following through on promises, and being true to your word. By telling him it was his turn, and then continuing to play, he had created an expectation for my son and then violated it.

My son was mad, and so was I.

I gave the stranger a dirty mama bear stare and said nothing to him as I tried to deal with the tantrum that was now in full swing. After a few minutes, my son calmed down, we went back to the bubble wall and he got his turn. After that it he did really well, and was seemingly over the whole ordeal. We had fun playing at the water fountains, the outdoor area, and the wind tunnel.

But even though my son had moved on, I was still mad. Twenty minutes later… I was still mad! Long after my son had gotten over it, I was still mad.

So why am I writing about this?

This situation reminded me that we ALL get mad. It’s important to remember that anger is not wrong. It’s a natural, complex human emotion. With my 4 year old, it’s something we have been working through on a daily basis lately.

Anger is characterized by feelings of displeasure, irritation, frustration, or even hostility. For a young child, these feeling can seem overwhelming, or even scary!

Anger arises in response to a perceived threat, injustice, frustration, or when one's needs, boundaries, or values are violated. No wonder our kids react by crying, screaming or hitting. It’s a lot to handle on the inside, so it’s no wonder they have a hard time expressing it on the outside.

Physiologically, anger triggers a "fight or flight" response in the body, leading to increased heart rate, muscle tension, and the release of stress hormones, because it’s designed to prepare the body to react to a perceived threat.

Anger itself is not necessarily negative. When managed constructively, anger can motivate problem-solving, assertiveness, and positive changes.

It's important to help our kids learn how to acknowledge, express and manage anger, without suppressing the feeling. Providing emotional safety will help your kids do this. You’re playing the long game here, but it’s a skill worth teaching them.

Here are some ideas you can try the next time your child is having a hard time:

1. Validate the Feeling: Remember that big feelings happen, and they are normal!! As adults we experience them too. We want our kids to be able to express how they’re feeling without being afraid that these emotions are wrong, or not allowed. We never want our kids to feel like their feelings don’t matter. Instead, do your best to lean in and convey your acceptance of the feeling, no matter what it is. You can say no to a behavior, and still validate the feelings behind it. I like phases like “It’s ok to feel how you feel,” or, “It’s OK to be mad, let’s work through it.”
2. Be the Calm in the Storm: Once the fight or flight response has been activated, there’s no capacity for you to connect logically with your child. Their emotional systems are revved up so much that anything you say or do is not going to get through. Think of these big feelings as a complete flushing of their emotional system. Once the process starts, the only way out is through it. So don’t try and suppress what’s happening. Instead, just try to provide a safe, calm and accepting presence. They really need you in these moments, so don’t leave the room or move too far away. Stay calm, offer a hug, take some deep breaths, and try not to use too many words until the emotional rush has passed. You’ll be surprised how much this helps to actually shorten the tantrum!  Once they’ve gotten through the big release, there will be time to talk. For now, all you can do is be there to support them. Sometimes distraction can help during these moments, but often the feelings just have to run their course. Once they do, you’ll be able to talk, ask questions, and explain.
3. Listen Carefully: Just like adults, kids just need to talk about what's bothering them. Create a safe emotional space for them so that they know their feelings will be accepted by you and not punished. Be an empathetic listener, validate their feelings, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotions. This is a huge opportunity for you to connect with your child. Don’t miss it! Put yourself in their shoes and show them that you’re on their side. Even if the behavior is not acceptable, allow the feelings to be. This will create a deep, lasting emotional connection with your child. I still call my mom every day (especially when I am upset) because she always listens and she always has.
4. Emotional Vocabulary: Help your child expand their emotional vocabulary by teaching them to recognize and name different emotions. This can improve their ability to express themselves effectively.
5. Positive Affirmations: Share positive affirmations with your child. Encourage them to repeat these affirmations to themselves when they're upset.  For example, instead of saying, "I can't do this," they can say, "I can try my best." I really like repeating the phrase “I’m brave, I’m strong, and I can do anything.” Do it with gusto! Try getting them to do it in the mirror. It’s powerful stuff.
6. Offer Alternatives: Kids need help finding healthy ways to express their anger. This can mean using their words, taking a moment away from play, or finding you and asking for a hug. Other ideas include art, music or physical activity.
7. Time Outside: Changing the scenery and getting outdoors has a powerful calming effect on our nervous system. If your child is having a hard day, carve out time to be outdoors. Go for a hike, hit the park or the pool, or just play in the back yard.
8. Conflict Resolution Skills: Teach your child problem-solving and conflict resolution skills. I know this is easier said than done!! But it’s valuable to help them understand the importance of compromise and finding solutions that work for everyone. Try and explain how others in the situation are feeling and how their actions can affect others (whether positive or negative). This also introduces them to the concept of empathy.
9. Seeking Help: Teach your child that it's okay to seek help from a trusted adult when they're struggling to manage their feelings. Sometimes, talking to a parent, teacher, or counselor can provide valuable guidance and support.
10. Time outs (aka time-in): When your child is feeling overwhelmed by anger, offer them a chance to cool off, take a moment to themselves, and calm down before continuing to play. Ensure they know it's a break, not a consequence, and that you'll be there to talk when they're ready.

Conclusion:

Big feelings in our little kids can be SO complicated and stressful. Remember, you are not alone and that things are going to get better over time. The techniques discussed here are easier said than done, trust me I know, but I hope this has offered some new ideas and insights into what your kids are experiencing in these intense moments. Hang in there guys, you’re doing great!

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